The Dog
by Sploogal
Summary: James and Sirius convince the staff and students of Hogwarts that Gryffindor has adopted a dog... Needless to say, the resulting situation is rather amusing... Complete.
1. Part One

**Disclaimer: Haha. Sure. Of course I own Harry Potter. You lawyer guys are so funny.**

**This short (emphasis on short) piece came to me one night when I was having a small fit of insanity. Just a bit of marauder fun. I'm not intending it to be longer than three chapters. For an explanation of the not-posting-for-ages thing, see the author's note at the bottom.**

**The Dog**

**Part One**

'Did you hear that?' Sirius hissed.

James stopped walking, consequently causing Sirius to bump into him.

'Ouch! Watch it, Snuffles,' James yelped.

'Don't call me Snuffles, Bambi!'

'Shh, Dingle's just around the corner,' James whispered, jabbing the map with his wand.

Sirius snatched the map, folded it up and put it in his mouth, then changed into his dog form just as the professor came round the corner.

'You bloody coward,' James muttered, squinting as Professor Dingle's wand light flashed in his eyes.

'Potter!' Dingle snapped. 'What are you doing out of Gryffindor Tower at this time of night?'

'Just walking the dog, sir,' James replied smoothly as he motioned towards Sirius.

'Who's dog?' Dingle demanded.

James raised an eyebrow. '_The_ dog, sir.'

Sirius sat down and whined.

'_The_ dog, Potter?' Dingle repeated in a warning tone that was completely wasted on its target.

Sirius bared his teeth at the professor and growled.

'Stop it you mangy mongrel,' James snapped at Sirius. He turned back to Dingle. 'Yes, _the_ dog. Snuffles -' Sirius snorted at this point and made a point of drooling on James' shoe '- is a special dog. We found him wandering around Hogsmeade a while ago, really sick, coughing up furballs and everything -'

'Furballs?' Dingle repeated slowly. 'I thought that was a cat thing.'

'Oh no, sir. Hairballs are a cat thing. Dogs cough up fur. You know, it's like cats have cat _hair_, but dogs have dog _fur_. Anyway, his fur was all hanging off of him and he was so thin with sunken eyes and -'

'Alright, I get the point,' Dingle interrupted. 'Does Professor McGonagall know about this, erm, animal?'

Sirius whined and pawed at the ground. He shot James a look begging him not to take this any further which, of course, James feigned ignorance to.

'Of course, Professor.'

Sirius collapsed to the ground with a huff and promptly began chewing James' shoelaces.

James continued. 'It was her idea to keep him. He guards the tower now.'

Sirius flashed his rather large teeth at Dingle before returning to the perilous task of ridding the world of James' shoelaces.

'He protects us Gryffindors from the threat that Slytherin poses to us.'

Sirius stood up, baring his teeth and growling deeply at the Slytherin professor. Dingle gulped audibly and the large, black dog advanced towards him, the fur on his back and neck standing on end.

'Right then,' Dingle said with a second gulp. 'I'll just leave you to it. Good evening Mr Potter.'

'Evening, professor.'

James waited until the sound of the professor's footsteps had faded into the distance before turning to Sirius.

'All right Snuffles, cough it up,' James demanded, holding out a hand.

Sirius whined but obediently complied. There was a hacking cough followed by a wet 'plop' as the soggy map hit the ground.

James grimaced. 'We really need to research that spit repelling charm. This is disgusting.'

Sirius bared his teeth in what could only be described as a dog's version of a smirk.

'Bloody mongrel,' James muttered as he pick up the map, shook off the excess dog slobber and opened it.

After a moment's examination of the sopping parchment, he declared the coast to be clear. With a 'pop', Sirius changed to face James in his human form.

'You just had to do it, didn't you?' Sirius sighed.

'What?'

'You had to bring McGonagall into this. Again.'

James flashed his friend a devious and somewhat foreboding grin. 'Of course. She is my favourite teacher after all.'

**Author's Note**

**Yes, it's been AGES since I've posted anything, I know. Believe it or not, I'm still overcoming computer problems that exist in the form of my-mum-confiscated-the-internet. breathes deeply Be assured, I am still writing. It's just a little difficult to post at the moment. Updates for 'Exposure' and 'Falling Stars' are underway. I will try to post again soon. Let me know if you like this, eh? Or even if you're still out there, reading my stuff. Please? Feed my ego?**


	2. Part Two

**Disclaimer: I feel like a parrot.**

**And so it continues…**

**The Dog**

**Part Two**

The four Gryffindor boys known as the Marauders, in keeping with the Marauder Saturday Night Tradition, were lounging about in the sixth year boys' dorm, talking and eating Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans as well as an assortment of sweets they had acquired from the kitchen. Remus, sitting cross legged in the middle of his bed, was sorting beans into various groups – 'appears edible', 'a bit iffy', 'unsure', and 'quite possibly deadly' – as he listened to Sirius and James recount their perilous journey to the kitchens and back. Peter was lying on his stomach facing the rest of the group and nibbling on a chocolate éclair as he sketched Remus' face.

'Remus, don't change your expression!' Peter cried. 'Now I have to re-do that – hold still!'

'Did you hear what these two just said?' Remus replied incredulously, gesturing wildly with his hands.

James grinned. 'It's brilliant, isn't it?'

Sirius threw a bean at James' head, which James ducked to avoid. 'You're insane. You're a spoon. You're worse than a spoon. You're a… Well, I'm not quite sure what you are, to be honest, but it's something really bad.' That said, Sirius stuck his tongue out obnoxiously at James.

James rolled his eyes in response. 'I refuse to dignify that statement with a response.'

'You just did.'

Sirius was forced to duck as a pillow, thrown by James, came hurtling through the air towards him, and he fell off his bed in a most ungraceful manner. Remus steered the conversation back on course as Sirius climbed back onto his bed and made himself comfortable again.

'So you actually told Dingle that Padfoot is the Gryffindor dog?'

'Yes,' James replied slowly.

'And supposedly, McGonagall knows about this dog?'

'Yes,' James repeated.

Remus sighed. 'How do you plan to pull this one off?'

James grinned widely. 'Well, McGonagall already knows about the dog. I wasn't lying.'

Sirius, Remus and Peter looked incredulously at James, causing him to grin even more widely and forebodingly.

'She just isn't aware of it yet. I'll convince her soon enough.'

Sirius banged his head against a bed-post. 'Spoon. Spoon. Spoon.'

**Author's Note**

**Bugger.**** Looks like it's going to be more than three chapters. They're short chapters though, so it's still only a baby fic… sighs Why can't I ever stick to my own plans? Thanks for all the lovely, furry review-creatures. grins I didn't really expect to get any reviews, but you guys proved me wrong. I love it when I'm wrong. More soon…**


	3. Part Three

**Disclaimer: Is this really necessary?**

**It returns…**

**The Dog**

**Part Three**

'Mr Potter, stay after class please.'

James sighed dramatically at the transfiguration professor's words as his friends packed up their things and left the classroom. He stuffed his textbook, quill and parchment in his bag as slowly as he could manage without invoking McGonagall's wrath and swaggered up to her desk at the front of the room, grinning widely. This would be fun.

'Mr Potter,' McGonagall looked down her nose sternly at James.

The grin obediently exited James face. 'Yes Professor?'

'Professor Dingle informs me that he caught you in the corridors, after hours, walking a dog.'

'Yes professor.' James concentrated on pulling his face into a contrite expression.

'I'm not even going to ask what you were doing outside Gryffindor Tower after hours,' McGonagall sighed.

'Very wise, professor.'

Professor McGonagall raised a weary eyebrow. 'Why do you say that?'

'Well, professor, I feel that that topic has been drawn, quartered, buried, exhumed, cremated, and scattered on any number of previous occasions,' James replied seriously. 'I suspect it's beginning to become quite boring for both parties involved.'

McGonagall blinked. 'Bear in mind, Mr Potter, that I do not need to hear any excuses in order to give you a detention.'

James lowered his eyes and mumbled an indistinct apology.

'I do feel obliged though, to ask about the dog.'

James looked directly at McGonagall. 'Professor?'

'The dog, Potter,' she repeated. 'The dog that you were walking last night.'

'We named him Snuffles, professor,' James supplied. 'And he's doing much better now.'

'Better than what?'

James frowned. 'Better than before.'

'Before what, Potter?' McGonagall demanded.

'Don't you remember, Professor McGonagall?' James asked with just a hint of disbelief. Not too much of course. He knew well that you couldn't take these things too far and still be believable.

McGonagall crossed her arms and tapped her foot, waiting for an explanation.

James sighed. 'Sirius and I found him in Hogsmeade a couple of weeks ago. He looked awfully sick and we were really worried about him so we brought him back to Hogwarts so that we could look after him. You said it'd be alright for him to stay in Gryffindor Tower.'

Not a complete lie, James assessed mentally as McGonagall took in his story. Sirius _had_ found his animagus form during their last trip to Hogsmeade, and he'd been pretty sick afterwards. Remus had insisted they go straight back to Hogwarts to make sure he was alright. And McGonagall, as Sirius' head of house, had sent him back to Gryffindor Tower on any number of occasions, implying that it was acceptable for him to stay there.

'Now tell me why I don't believe you,' McGonagall said sceptically.

'Honestly professor?' James asked lightly.

'Yes, Mr Potter, honestly.'

James frowned, feigning deep thought. Finally, he threw his arms up in the air and sighed loudly. 'I don't know. Personally, I think it's a crime to forget Snuffles. He really _is_ unforgettable.'

McGonagall managed to refrain from rolling her eyes as she dismissed the young Gryffindor, unwilling to chase the topic any further for the sake of her own sanity. Boys will be boys, she thought.

Outside the transfiguration room, Remus, Sirius and Peter were waiting for James.

'Well?' Sirius demanded immediately.

James smirked. 'I'm not sure if she bought it, but I didn't get any detentions.'

Sirius found himself at a loss for words for a moment. 'But you were out after hours!'

'So were you!' James shot back.

'_She_ doesn't know that.'

James shrugged noncommittally and started walking back towards Gryffindor Tower.

'So how'd you do it?' Remus asked, jogging to catch up.

'Ah, Remus, I see it's time for another lesson from the James Potter School of Life,' James said dramatically, swinging an arm around Remus' shoulder. 'The trick is to be flattering, but insolent. Sincere, but insincere. Mix just enough fact with fantasy and _always keep her wondering what the hell you're talking about_.'

**Author's Note**

**Yeah, not exactly the ending I'd planned. Thanks again for the most excellent reviews. :grins: You guys rock!**

**On Spoons:**

**Someone (sorry, I can't get your name as I'm typing on a computer that's not connected to the internet) asked about the references to spoons? That's not completely random. Well, yeah ok, it is. But it's not really. sighs I'm butchering the topic already. Spoon is actually my insult. I remember reading somewhere about a character that could make anything into an insult. Just by saying everyday words that usually couldn't possibly be taken to be offensive in a certain tone of voice, this character could make them into the most lethal weapons of insult imaginable. So I thought, well here's an idea. How to insult my least favourite teachers right to their faces and get away with it! Not that I would ever do such a thing, of course… :sniggers: So I started calling people 'Spoon' when I was pissed off at them, then it turned into a curse-word, then an all-purpose word to be used to fill in those uncomfortable silences that occur in most conversations. Then I started writing fanfic, and Sirius' character just seemed to be random, logical, and devious enough to warrant his inheritance of My Word. And so the Spoon was born. (Note, I'm now really getting stuck into the whole word-that-is-Spoon topic and am likely to post a rant about Spoons at my livejournal. So, for additional notes On Spoons, see my livejournal in a couple of days. Username: Sploogal.)**


End file.
